Bad Celebrity Breakups

Now, I’m not particularly a fan of Megan Fox, the little Transformers hottie who knew how to make a car engine — not to mention boys all across the world — purr.  But … Brian Austin Green?  Babe, come on, did you forget you’re famous?

Okay, okay, that’s shallow.  Maybe the guy’s got more going for him than being known as the geek on the original Beverly Hills 90210 and embarrassing himself on numerous occasions in an attempt to be the next white boy rapper.  At age 35 to Fox’s 22, though, it’s still pretty sad.

(un)Fortunately, the couple — who met in 2004 and got engaged in 2006 — have broken their betrothal.  Reports vary about whether or not Megan Fox is living in up in the aftermath, but I’m sure plenty of guys are now tallying up how much more they have to offer than the 90210 kid who wasn’t even popular enough to warrant his own special Barbie doll.

So, you guys may or may not remember a while ago, when we pinpointed Hugh Hefner’s split with some of his long time Bunnies.  If not, here, have a refresher — because in that post, there was also a wisp of a rumor that little Holly Madison (not to be confused with Dolly Madison — she makes great bread though) was dating the mind-freaker himself, Criss Angel.  I … don’t know why, but hey, I guess it’s an improvement over a walking, talking, horny mummy, right?

Anyway, the rumors turned out to be true — but now they’re not anymore, because these two broke the eff up.  Naturally, of course, they still love each other very much and wish each other the very best, and blah, blah, blah.  She’s gone from a 1,000 year old to a 41 year old, maybe next time Holly can snag a rich guy a little closer to her own age.

Ah, Prince Harry.  You bring us so much entertainment, and you ask for so little in return.  You are the quintessential second born son of a would be king — chock full of a Napoleonic complex, toady, and really rather hideous.  Honestly, I find this kid even more unattractive than his dad, which is saying a whole lot.  If you have red hair and freckles, you shouldn’t scowl so much.  It doesn’t make you look hot, Harry, it makes you look evil — like the kind of guy who would wear a Nazi uniform to a costume party.  Oh, wait!

Anyhow, the littlest prince and Chelsy Davy — who, incidentally, is the perfect match for Harry; she looks like the worst kind of fake-and-bake plastic surgery victim — broke up after five years of dating.  Of course, there are already rumors that they will probably get back together.  They’ve told this same fairy story so often, it’s become old noise.  However, I cannot ever pass up the opportunity to make fun of a royal.

So, does anybody out there remember who Amanda Bynes is?  Yeah, I really don’t either.  She used to be the annoying little chick on Nickelodeon.  You know, she was the girl with too much confidence in her ability to be funny and in her own cuteness factor who ruined many an already mediocre show.  Now she’s the annoying little chick in a lot of annoying little movies.  She still has too much confidence in her comedic talents and her look.  Is it just me, or does she always smile like she’s smelling something rank?  I’m not catty, folks, I’m just honest!

Now, does anyone know who Doug Reinhardt is?  Yeah, again, me either.  Apparently he is some kind of sports star.  The point is, the two of them were dating — and now they are not.  Amanda dumped him — or maybe he dumped her after being delusional about how well their relationship was going.  The reports are varied.  Amanda and her friends seem to think he was dating her to milk off her celebrity status.  This makes me believe that Amanda Bynes has serious mental problems and someone should do an intervention right away.  Because I have to ask — what celebrity status?

Hey kids, how’s this for convoluted?  Laura Prepon, best known as Donna on That 70’s Show — which also starred Danny Masterson as Hyde of the cool afro and devil-may-care ‘tude — is calling it quits with Chris Masterson, best known as troublemaking older brother Francis on Malcolm in the Middle.

For those of you who have not yet caught onto the obvious connection, Chris and Danny are also brothers.  The resemblence is uncanny, though Chris is arguably cuter, if only because his boyish prettiness is not perpetually hidden behind a pair of aviator sunglasses.

Presumably, these lovebirds met through Danny, but who knows?  This particular celebrity breakup isn’t quite as bad as it is sad: these kids make a cute couple and seemed ready to go the long haul, at least in terms of Hollywood relationships.  Guess not.  I personally would advice Chris to hook up with Frankie Muniz on the rebound, but I’m just weird like that.

Those of you (us) who were paying close attention to Paris Hilton’s recent search for a new BFF were probably completely unaware that she and Benji Madden, one half of the twinset which made Good Charlotte (in)famous, are now splits.  ‘fraid so, cool cats.  Despite the fact that they were cozier than kittens during the show’s trainwreck one, they have actually been separated since earlier this month.  One has to wonder if that’s why Paris really needs a new BFF.  After all, Benji’s brother Joel is Nicole Richie’s baby-daddy, and it has to be awkward to visit your friend when she’s getting it on with your ex’s identical twin.

Otherwise, this breakup is pretty much par for the course.  Face it, Paris changes boyfriend’s as frequently as she changes her weave — but probably less frequently than she changes her underwear.  Still, if you’re like me, her quest for a new best friend might have made you like her just a little bit.  So, in terms of seeing how cute she and Benji were during the show’s run, this bad celebrity breakup almost makes me a little weepy.

Finally, finally, we have some really great news in celebrity breakups. Ladies and gentlemen, this is actually the funniest and most ironic breakup I have covered in recent memory.

Simon Cowell: snarky, snotty commitophobe, famous for crushing dreams and sharply speaking the blunt truth on American Idol.  Terri Seymour: television presenter no one stateside would know about if not for her relationship with Simon.

The story: she allegedly broke up with him over the telephone (and really, who deserves such disrespect more than he?) for myriad reasons.  There are allegations of infidelity, which are quite understandable.  However — and this is where I probably make a buttload of enemies for being even a little sympathetic for Simon — she also broke up with him because he does not want to marry her and have lots of little babies.  The twist here is that Simon has made it abundantly clear that he has no wish to get married, ever.

Seems to me that Terri made a mistake that millions of women are guilty of making: she thought she could change him.  When they started dated, she was likely well aware of his aversion to marriage and children, but probably thought to herself, “Oh, he just hasn’t met the right woman yet.  But I’m the right woman, and he’ll probably propose to me in two days.”  Some years later, surprise surprise, he still hasn’t changed his mind.  Infidelity might be unforgiveable, but of all the things people can accuse Simon Cowell of being, dishonest is not one of them.  He comes correct every time, so if Terri’s sole reason for dumping him was because he won’t marry her, I say she deserves a large part of the blame.

Personally, she should have broken up with him because, as this picture clearly shows, he has way bigger boobs than her.

Well, folks, it’s officially official: Hugh Hefner, every man’s secret hero even though he looks kind of like a mummy these days, is parting ways with some of his notorious Bunny girlfriends.  It’s not really so surprising — I imagine that, rather like in that movie I can’t remember the name of and don’t feel like looking up, his girls get the axe once they reach a certain age.

In this case, we have to bid a fond farewell to Holly Madison — and Kendra Wilkinson as well.  Both Holly and Kendra have recently moved out of the mansion, and Bridget evidently doesn’t think she’ll be there much longer either.

The rumors flying fast around Tinsel Town suggest that Holly, for one, is eager to get the taste of old man out of her mouth and to shake the dust of Hef’s decrepit, atrophying body off her feet: she’s reportedly already hooking up with Criss Angel, the slightly creepy magician who looks like the equally creepy ladies’ man Mystery.  The only difference between them seems to be that one appears on A&E and the other inexplicably stars on VH1.  Oh yeah, and one might now have a real live Bunny to hide in his hat.  Ha ha ha!  I’m clever.

Ohhh man.  I both love and loathe covering this breakup.  On the one hand, I always thought David Duchovny and Tea Leoni were the cutest couple.  I also thought they might last – maybe not forever, but at least as long as Demi Moore and Bruce Willis (which rates about a 6 or 7 on the Celebrity Relationship Richter Scale).  They had a lot going on for them, especially since Tea Leoni really has no career to speak up anymore, so they don’t have that kind of drama.  On the other hand … this is so funny.

Okay.  We all know that, not so long ago, Duchovny – whom we all once knew as the slight nerdy, sexily stodgy Agent Mulder – got put in rehab.  He wasn’t doing the smack, he was into the crack – i.e., home boy evidently has a sex addiction.  From what I heard – which admittedly wasn’t much – it seemed like he was just choking the Bishop a little too much or something.  But … I guess that wasn’t it.  Allegations are currently flying that he was doing more than hitting balls with his tennis instructor, whose first name appears to be Edit.  She is not, however, editing anything about her “physical attraction” with Duchovny.  Promise, I’ll keep you updated as it gets juicier.

Pete Doherty better be on his toes.  Rumor has it that Kate Moss and year long boyfriend Jamie Hince, singer for The Kills, have split yet again.  Of course, this is hardly the first time the two have gone their separate ways.  Still, friends close to the coke loving supermodel say that this time it might be for real, citing the fact that although Kate is usually living it up on the weekends, she’s been a bit of a recluse since this recent split with Hince.  However, there are already rumors floating around that Hince has agreed to father a baby for Moss – or something like that – just so they can get back together.  That’s smart.  Want a baby, use a rock star for a sperm donor.  Well, at least she apparently decided that Pete Doherty’s genes were a tad too saturated by booze and Bolivian marching powder, right?