Bad Celebrity Breakups

Pete Doherty better be on his toes.  Rumor has it that Kate Moss and year long boyfriend Jamie Hince, singer for The Kills, have split yet again.  Of course, this is hardly the first time the two have gone their separate ways.  Still, friends close to the coke loving supermodel say that this time it might be for real, citing the fact that although Kate is usually living it up on the weekends, she’s been a bit of a recluse since this recent split with Hince.  However, there are already rumors floating around that Hince has agreed to father a baby for Moss – or something like that – just so they can get back together.  That’s smart.  Want a baby, use a rock star for a sperm donor.  Well, at least she apparently decided that Pete Doherty’s genes were a tad too saturated by booze and Bolivian marching powder, right?

What happens when a 19 year old dates a 33 year old?  Well, why don’t we ask Daisy Lowe and Mark Ronson?  The star (Ronson) and his little Lolita of a British model, who have been dating since the beginning of this year, are more than happy to air their grievances.  There are no real details about why they broke up, but most of us are probably quite correct in thinking it’s the age gap, just thanks to how they’re behaving since they’ve broken up.  Lowe is already trash talking, assuring the press that she is a very mature teenager, while Ronson is a very immature 33 year old.  Naturally, Ronson maintains that he is the uber mature one, while Daisy is the one acting her age.  Well, dude, she’s 19, that’s what you get for chasing after little girls who aren’t legally old enough to drink.  Word.

There is a reason I have hesitated to write about this week’s big breakup, which actually happened quite a while ago.  I just didn’t expect it to last   Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan have broken up and gotten together so many times, they might as well change their names to Tommy Lee and Pam – except Michael doesn’t really have enough hair to match that comparison.

These two blondies started dated way back in 1992 but ended up in Splitsville five years later – which is actually ten years in Hollywood time.  So, nearly ten years after that, in 2006, they get together again.  Sadly, this time they only managed to stay together for two years.  Still, the fact that they hooked up again at all really seemed to speak well for them – but no.  They broke up “amicably.”  So, hopefully that means that Nicollette won’t be acting a fool by mid September, running around Michael Bolton’s favorite haunts and stalking the guy, while pretending to just be having a lot of fun.  We wouldn’t want that to happen again, would we, Jennifer Aniston?

Not only did the love between Mia Tyler and Brian Harrah LIV (haha) for very long, this is just about the only picture of the two of them to be found anywhere on the entire Internet.  Apparently, the Tyler family’s lips are taking up too much bandwidth — and camera time.

If you don’t know it, in addition to being a Celebrity Fit Club alum and top plus sized model, Mia Tyler is the daughter of legendary Aerosmith frontman Steve Tyler and LOTR/Empire Records/LOTR!! goddess Liv Tyler — who hasn’t been so lucky in love lately either.

Mia was engaged to Harrah, a guitarist, for about nine months.  She recently posted in her blog that they’d been broken up for about two weeks and she wasn’t yet ready to date.  The marriage would have been her second.   She was married for two years to David Louis Buckner, the drummer for Papa Roach.

All told, though, she’s not as big a trainwreck as her dad, so she’s got that going for her.  Plus, I’m sorry, she is a gorgeous, curvy girl; when she is ready to date, I’m sure she won’t have any trouble.

Unless she keeps wearing glaring blue eye shadow.  But since this is not the fashion scene, I won’t say anything about that.

This is kind of old news by this point, but it’s still really sad.  I love Morgan Freeman and, if asked last month, I would have bet money that he had his wife would be together forever.  But no, after 24 years (haha, my parents have them beat though, and they’re only in their mid-40s), the illustrious Freeman — actor, narrator, apparent cheater — and his wife Myrna Colley-Lee, are splitting.  They’ve been apart since December of 2007, in fact.

I haven’t seen The Dark Night yet — haven’t, but plan to — but I think maybe, you know … maybe the movie’s cursed.  I mean, poor Heath Ledger died.  Christian Bale allegedly assaulted his mom and sister — and, mind you, this is the same boy who played Laurie, the most fickle, milquetoast little chit in literature.  Morgan Freeman got into a car accident and has his divorce spread from hell to breakfast.  And Maggie Gyllenhaal, well.  Where can I start?  With the fact that her acting has all the flair of a rice cake?  The fact that she has the unique distinction of being the crappiest part about a fabulous movie?  The fact that she can’t dress herself and looks like that cat faced Kirsten Dunst?

I … oh yeah.  Morgan Freeman.  Well, he’s getting divorced!  And he was in a car accident!  Worst month ever?  I think maybe so.

Well.  It happened.  Everyone had to know it was going to happen — and yet, if you’re like me, you kept hoping that it wouldn’t.  It’s not that I really like John Mayer.  I know that everyone in the world is in love with the guy, but to me, all he’s ever going to be is a Dave Matthews wannabe.  And I love Dave, so that doesn’t fly.

But this isn’t about me!  Except for the fact that I really, really wanted this to work.  For Jennifer, you know?  I don’t know her, I’m never going to meet her, but her poor little love life has been splayed out all over the news, like a fetal pig in a dissection tray.  Once upon a time, she and Brad — Brennifer, if you will — were the Golden Couple.  They held all our hopes and dreams for Hollywood romances on their beautifully sculpted shoulders — and then we watched as he found happiness with Angelina Jolie, aka The Hottest Woman on Earth, and entered the era of Brangelina.  We watched Jennifer struggle, find love lose it — and this time, she kept it quiet!  She kept it a precious secret!  And when she finally emerged into the public eye with her crooning young prince, we all gasped in awe and delight, wondering to ourselves, “Oh my!  Is this Jennifer’s very own Ross, at long, long last?”  But our skeptical sides, they signed in impending dread, and immediately after some of us likely went on to further wonder, “How long is this one going to last?”  The age of Mayniffer — or Johnnifer, or Jennyer, or what the hell ever — swelled, it reached a crescendo, it blossomed, and–

And now it’s dead.  Game over, man.  Game over.  Now let’s hope TomKat and Bennifer 2.0 self destruct soon too, ’cause I hate those nicknames.  (Actually, however,

I have one thing to say: HAHAHAHAHA! I’m going to go to hell for that, but I’ve made peace with that fact. Why have I risked unpleasantries with pineapples, ala Little Nicky? It’s not for a particularly new breakup, but the developments attached to the split are unfolding as we speak.

This breakup involves Verne Troyer and a girl who could definitely be considered smokin’ by some standards, Ranae Shrider (which kind of looks like a porn name in the making). Don’t know who that is? I’ll help you out: it’s Mini Me. It’s Dr. Evil’s teensy weensy clone. It’s the little guy who rode around on his special little scooter thing on the Surreal Life, completely naked, his own little Mini Me to the wind, peeing on walls and humping Christopher “Peter Brady” Knight.

He was dating that questionably hot girl up there … and they made a sex tape. And parts of it have been leaked to the internet. And she apparently beat the ever loving crap out of him, although Ranae’s people are claiming that’s a publicity ploy on Mini Me’s part. Then again, he’s still working, and her “acting” career, such as it is, has failed to take off, so … huh? There is some serious trash talking going on here, especially by home girl’s reps. She, in turn, claims that Mini Me emotionally abused her – and her dog. I have to wonder though, because although accused of alcohol fueled rages, how much damage could the guy do? He may be a snarky little a-hole sometimes, but he has his moments and anyway, you do not beat up on someone smaller than yourself, even if he is an adult, even if he is older – that just ain’t right.

Also, did I mention there’s a sex tape? Right now it’s banned from being distributed, but oh, if that gets lifted…

I mean, if you’re into that kind of them. But – oh, like you wouldn’t want to see it, too!

Oh ho, folks, look out – methinks this is going to be a big ‘un.

You know, Anne Heche kind of reminds me of a praying mantis. It isn’t just that she looks like one; it’s that she has a long, long history of eating the heads of her mates – figuratively speaking, but only barely – and basically sucking the soul out of anyone with whom she is romantically involved. For instance, I understand that one’s sexuality is a complex, often confusing thing – but I’d still abhor her for the stunt of a relationship sham she pulled on Ellen Degeneres, if El hadn’t gone on to end up with the ungodly, ethereally gorgeous Portia De Rossi.

The point is, she’s at it again. Anne and her husband of seven years, Coley Laffoon (do you think it’s a coincidence that his name rhymes with “buffoon,” as in, “Man, that dude’s gotta be a buffoon to go out with that crazy broad!”), are splitting – and they are not being shy about the accusations. You know how it goes with all that “he said, she said” business. In this case, she said that he was going to strip bars, and he said that she was mentally unstable. He felt the need to point that out, yes. Dude, calling Anne Heche mentally unstable is like saying peanut butter tastes like peanuts - duh.  I have no sympathy for idiocy myself. The potentially good news is that the judge in their already nasty divorce case awarded custody of their four year old son Home to Coley; he’s got alternating weekends with his mom, while she’s filming her ABC show. By the way, she’s already banging her co-star, James Tupper.

So. Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel just broke up after five years together. I … don’t particularly like either of them (although Jimmy’s looking a sight cuter these days), but that’s sad, because by all accounts, they were extremely well suited for each other and the public seems to agree. Up until the breakup, they seemed completely happy together, but neither half of the comedic and romantic duo is saying anything.

Since they weren’t married, they can’t cite the time honored excuse of “irreconcilable differences” as the cause of the relationship’s demise. Spokespersons for either side are using that tired old acorn by saying that the couple just “grew apart,” though – which seems kind of odd, consider the fact that Sarah was almost a regular on Jimmy’s late night show, but well … c’est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell.

So.  I am not just a Celeb Queen, I am also a Reality TV Queen (that is my title, darn it, and I’m sticking to it), and I have watched every single trainwreck involving Tiffany “New York” Pollard.  I hated her in Flavor of Love 1; I took Goldie’s view of, “Bitch crazy!” on Flavor of Love 2; I started warming up to her in I Love New York 1; and by I Love New York 2, I was rooting for her hardcore.  I loathe and detest Tango, that fake punk, and I rejoiced when she chose the scrawny, equally punk, cowardly, rich, somehow charming Tailor Made over the arrogant, egotistic, manipulative Buddha.  I shouted with joy when Tailor Made proposed, and she accepted — on certain conditions, of course — and yet, and yet … I feared, all the while, that it was too good to last.  And it was.  Tailor Made, also know as George Weisgerber, dumped her good.  Apparently, however, we are going to get a front row seat for the details of this reality TV debacle, courtesy of New York’s new upcoming show, New York Goes Hollywood. 

Evidently, by the way, this cretin cited the fact that he could not handle the drama as one of the reasons he ended the relationship.  Huh?  Dude, you didn’t know she brought the drama?  You better check yourself, because that’s just stupid.

Punk.  I hope she reveals to the nation (because be honest, how many of you are going to be all over the new show?) that he’s endowed like a hamster.